Sunday, December 6, 2009
Now sit me down in school where praying is against the rules,
This great nation under God finds mention of Him very odd.
This scripture now the class recites, it violates the bill of rights.
Anytime my head I bow, becomes a federal matter now.
Our hair could be purple, orange, or green, that's no offense, it's a freedom scene,
The law is specific, the law is precise, prayers spoken aloud or serious vice,
For praying in a public hall, might offend someone with no fate at all.
In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, pierce our nose, tongues, and cheeks,
They outlawed guns, but first the Bible. To quote the good book, it makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant senior queen, and the unwed daddy a senior king;
It's inappropriate to teach right from wrong, we're taught that such judgment does not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth control, study witchcraft, vampires, and totem pole,
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed. No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here, I must confess, when chaos reigns, the schools a mess
so Lord this silent plea I make, should I be shot, my soul please take.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ok, so I got this as an email this evening... with the title "Actual Craigslist Personal". Thought it would be great to share, considering my position on gun control... (two hands, one cradling the hand with the gun, feet about shoulder-width apart, turned sideways to minimize profile...)
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message..
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
Well, hope that made your day :D it made mine, true story or not :D
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
1. Did you hear about the two cannonballs who got married and had a bb?
2. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartenders says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you." says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries and invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. (Or another version I hear recently which I think is a little funnier: If Carmen SanDiego and Where's Waldo ever got married, there kids would be practically invisible.)
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank. Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and withs his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Yes, they're good, they're bad, but hey :D have a good one y'all.